Paper Cuts

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Of love and hate

When love dies, what becomes of it? I used to believed that there is a neutral state, where no strong feelings exist. Or at least, I still want to believe that, but I cant. For the lost of love, I choose hate.

I hate him for leading me on. I hate him for giving me hope. I hate him for his looks, his smarts, his confidence, everything about him that made me liked him. And I hate him for everything that he had done for me.

You don't tell a girl that she's the best thing that happened to you and 4 hours later be at the pool side with another girl on your shoulder. Neither do you let the other girl believe that it's the first girl's fault and let the first girl be subjected to her interrogation. You also do not later try to befriendly to both girls and not do anything about the increasing tension between them. And you don't 'play' with 2 girls who live under the same roof.

But yet, you had done it all.... and choose neither of the girls... But it's not the reason I hate you. I hate you because on the day you told me that you have a girlfriend and I congratulated you, you said "I never expected you to laugh and be happy about it". For that, I hate you.

What makes you think you are so special? Why do you think I cant get over you? Bleh, that was the worst thing any guy I went out with had ever said to me.

But like Cyber-red, I thought I can forget and forgive.

Then it was 3 years till we met again. I thought everything is in the past. I thought we could be friends and move on with our lives. But yet again you provoked me by saying you cant imagine what kind of guy will fall for me. And what kind of guy I will end up with. You said you were curious, but for what? My relationships have nothing to do with you the moment you choose to betray my feelings. And you compared your girlfriend and me. How much we differ. How she was more gentle. How I am more ambitious. But does all those really matter to you? After so long, what else are you trying to prove? You are not doing any good but hurting my feelings more and more.

If I were to meet you now, I will still say 'hi'. But I will not be any friendlier than required for I still hate you. I can forgive and forget, only if you will let go of the past. Until then, I will continue to hate you.

So Cyber-red, I have a reason to say 'if my love ends, it will be hate'. I have had crushes but he was the first I felt so strongly about. Maybe, hopefully one day I will feel nothing for him, not love, not hate. Just nothing.

I look forward to that day.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

A song for a very good friend

Girl, I know you had it tough. But be strong. Think clear and be honest to yourself; it is the most important at this rough time. Take care

Title: Remember
歌手:张惠妹 专辑:真实
By: A*Mei

谁还记得 是谁先说永远的爱我
以前的一句话 是我们以后的伤口
过了太久 没人记得当初那些温柔
我和你手牵手 说要一起走到最后

Who remembers who was the one who said ‘I will love you forever’
(Loving) words in the past will be our pain in the future
It’s been too long, nobody remembers the initial tenderness
(Of us) Holding hands, promising to be together forever

心中是清楚的 有一天有一天都会停的
让时间说真话 虽然我也害怕
在天黑了以后 我们都不知道会不会有遗憾

We forgot how long we have been on this journey
The only thing that is clear in my heart is that one day, this will end
Let time tell the truth, although I am also afraid to know
Whether we will reminiscence (this love) as darkness falls

谁还记得 是谁先说永远的爱我
以前的一句 是我们以后的伤口
过了太久 没人记得当初那些温柔
我和你手牵手 说要一起走到最后

Who remembers who was the one who said ‘I will love you forever’
(Loving) words in the past will be our pain in the future
It’s been too long, nobody remembers the initial tenderness
(Of us) Holding hands, promising to be together forever

我们都累了 却没办法往回走
两颗心都迷惑 怎么说怎么说都没有救
亲爱的为什么 也许你也不懂
两个相爱的人 等对方先说找分开的理由

We are both tired, without an option to backtrack
Two incurably lost hearts
Darling, why (did it become like this)?
Maybe you too, do not know (the reason)
Two loving people, waiting for the other to say a reason to leave/break-up

谁还记得 爱情开始变化的时候
我和你的眼中 看见了不同的天空
走的太远 终于走到分岔路的路口
是不是你和我 要有两个相反的梦

Who remembers when did our love begun to change
In you eyes and mine, we saw a different horizon/sky
(We have) Traveled too far, and finally reached a cross-road
Is this because you and I have conflicting dreams?

谁还记得 是谁先说永远的爱我
以前的一句话 是我们以后的伤口
过了太久 没人记得当初那些温柔
我和你手牵手 说要一起走到最后
我和你手牵手 说要一起走到最后

Who remembers who was the one who said ‘I will love you forever’
(Loving) words in the past will be our pain in the future
It’s been too long, nobody remembers the initial tenderness
(Of us) Holding hands, promising to be together forever
We held hands, promising to be together forever

I am so bored...

I am so so so so bored. Yeah, I know I am repeating myself. Well, one exciting thing did happen over the past week: I got a job! Yes, I am finally employed! Thank you God! Bless everyone!.... But the excitement of that lasted only 2 days. Now I am dead bored...

Bf went to Thailand this morning for a 5-days trip, so I have noone to entertain me. I finished reading all the new books I bought; novels and magazines inclusive, I am done with all the vcd's dvd's I have, in fact watched them more than twice. I guess I can study for my up-coming JLPT and read up the 'Principles of Independence' for my new job, but I am lazy. So bleh, nothing to do :P

Hence, I update my blog that was neglected for so long... But I am not a person who writes, ask any of my friends and they'll tell you all about my writting tendencies, or lack of it.... End of update... hehe *stupid evil grin* :D

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Another quiz... hehe

width="240" height="180"
alt="Abhorrent Evil Drifter-Eating Nightmare"

This is some name modifier from Go try yours! :)

Quiz... for fun :)

You are Form 5, Dragon: The Weaver.

"And The Dragon seperated the virtuous from
the sinful. He tore his eyes from his sockets
and used them to peer into the souls of those
on trial to make a judgement. He knew that
with endless knowledge came endless

Some examples of the Dragon Form are Athena
(Greek), St. Peter (Christian), and Surya
The Dragon is associated with the concept of
intelligence, the number 5, and the element of
His sign is the crescent moon.

As a member of Form 5, you are an intelligent and
wise individual. You weigh options by looking
at how logical they are and you know that while
there may not always be a right or wrong
choice, there is always a logical one. People
may say you are too indecisive, but it's only
because you want to do what's right. Dragons
are the best friends to have because they're
willing to learn.

Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

stupid *&^% #%@*^ finance

i know job-hunting is never easy. every interview, the hr people will try their best to drill you on y the hell muz they pay u *&^&% k per month. but, i know they are juz doing their job. it's for the company's benefit.. ya... ya...

what i cant stand is company's with hr head of department so stupid and so insensitive as this stupid *&%#-ing finance company tt i went to interview with on monday. below is a snippet of the stupidity that totally set my blood to boil:

me: *walks into the HR HOD office*
HR: y aren't u wearing a jacket?
me: *shocked* well, a jacket or not is not going to affect my capabilities to work..
HR: nono, u cant wear like tt to an interview *scanning me from head to toe then shake head*. u noe, u look like an auditor.. nope, worse, u look like u are applying to be a clerk. u are not here to apply to be a clerk.
me: of all the interviews i went to, this attire is acceptable. anyway, i don't see your people wearing a jacket.
HR: they are not looking for a job, but u are. so u must wear a jacket.... u mean noone else told u to wear a jacket? i cant believe this!
HR: U noe, SMU girls who came for interview all wear a jacket. they are so professional! and u didn't wear make-up, did u?
me: i am wearing make-up....
HR: u are? *scrutinise my face* then i cant see it! i cant even see you lipstick! u noe, the SMU girls wore such impeccable make-up even when they came for just internship interview... tt's bcos SMu trains them since year 1. they dun juz study u noe!
me: *stares at him in disbelief.... i realli dunno wut to say to such a ridiculous man*
HR: ..... do u want to work as a trainee since u do not haf the experience required to be a senior officer?
me: if there is the opportunity to learn, i will consider it
HR: oh, ok.... but our trainee program only starts next year!

i walked out after the that. what the hell! if i dun qualify for the position, then dun call me for the interview la! even if they onli found out tt i dun qualify when i went to the interview, then juz tell la! dun insult me then beat ard the bush to tell me tt the position is onli available, like next year!! and i believe there is nothing wrong wif my attire. i'm going for an office job interview, not a pageant interview! and y muz he always compare me to SMU girls? SMU girls got gif him under-table service issit???

i swear i will never apply to that company again. i will also never do any business with that company ever again. and for those of u who do not agree with me, then good luck dealing with an all-appearance no substance finance company.

wish me luck for the next interview. may nonsensicality be laid to rest.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Deep in slump

it's been ages since i updated anything. damn, i feel so depressed now i think i will not attempt to make this a 'readable' english entry. if u understand, good for u, if not, i just dun care. meant for me to vent, not for u to read.

job hunting was never good. i had like several rejections up till today, and it's v demoralizing. well, not tt i like the job or i m in desperate need for money. it's juz that i have never felt like such a failure in life. now that i think of it, my life had been good, very good in fact. i mean, what else can anyone ask for? supportive, well-to-do family: check. scholarship: check. attractiveness: check (i was nominated for pageant, some time ago). education: check. friends: check. loving boyfriend: check. now, it's only career left. and is it making me mad. i dont like this feeling. it's so unfamiliar and yet, somehow i think i m deserving of it. i was enthusiatic, but since i was not really hard-up for the job, i sometimes talk without thinking. but hey, they asked for my opinion, rite? i m entitled to my opinion, rite? RIGHT... and i end up being thought as too opinionated. damn it.

i really hope i can find a job soon. rejection is doing me serious mental and emotional harm. i hate feeling like a failure. hate it hate it hate it. i would rather do a job i dont like than to feel this way. at least, it will be the task's fault, not mine. yeah, it's childish of me to blame, but i cant help it. i can stand being wrong, but i cant stand being left behind. i feel so helpless. everything i had done have been smooth-sailing, but this. i hate this.

and worse, there is this specific person tt i see every week who gives me this disapproving look everytime i see her. i wish she would disappear, but nooooo, she's here to stay. i hate it even more that she got her stable job from her scholarship bond and is all entitled to give me even more disapproving looks since i am unemployed. i seriously do not know what's wrong with her. why does she thinks that she's better than me? why give me the disapproving look? in fact, i think she's more of looking down at me, as if i am of a lower life form. i hate it. i cant fight it when i m so helpless now. i want to fight it. i want to do better than her. maybe she'll stop the disapproving look. i dunno if it will work, but at least i will try my best. that is, if she doesnt drive me mad first.

i hate her. i hate job-hunting. i hate this moment of my life.

Friday, July 29, 2005

My favorite song... currently hehe

歌手:光良 专辑:童话

我愿 (要/会) 变成童话里

Fairy Tale

By: Guang Liang

I forgot how long it was
Since (I last heard) you talked about your favorite story
I thought until I started to get confused
Did I do something wrong again?

Crying, you told me that fairy tales are lies
That I couldn’t be your prince
Maybe you won’t understand
That from the moment you said you love me
The stars in my sky lit up

I am willing (want/will) to become the angel you loved in your fairy tale
Spread my arms as wings to protect you
You must believe
Believe that we will be like the fairy tales
Where the ending is always happily ever after
Let’s write our ending together

Ok, so the translation is not 100% accurate, but I think I tried my best. I think it's pretty decent, so I'm happy. Hehe :)

Friday, July 22, 2005

Bloggin' for charity

Cyber-red and I have decided to contribute to the wonderful society that we are living in. We are doing this through, *drums roll* 24-hours blogging event! Anyway, we will be blogging on Cyber-red's blog because I am lazy... and I think her blog can garner more hits which can translate to more donations for PAWS Malaysia (tt's the organization we choose). So tune into Cyber-red's blog at on Saturday, August 6th from 9pm onwards to support us. Thank you! :)

To know more about the 24-hour blogging event, please go to

Edited: the old post said 'August 6th from 9am onwards'... this is a mistake. It's supposed to be August 6th from 9PM onwards. Sorry for the confusion. Thanks Cyber-red for pointing it out. :)

A taste of the 1970's

Have you ever thought how it felt like to live in the 1970's? Where there is no computer, no internet and yes, no automatic electrical appliances... ok, maybe they do have some but its definitely not very commonplace. Why am I writing this? Well, because of a washing machine. An appliance that is supposed to make my life more convenient, or so I thought.

The washing machine in question is found in my flat, which I moved in not too long ago. Being a lazy bum that I am, I had been bringing my laundry to the laundry mart for cleaning and handwash those flimsy fabric most of the time. And today, thinking that I will be a good girl and learn how to use the new machine, gave me quite a shock. That damn thing is NOT automatic!!! Means it's manual. Means I have to push the dial for wash, for drain, for rinse, for spin and whatever else. Nevermind, I won't let this get me down...

First up, fill water... manually. Fine on the tap. Next wash, easy. Next drain.... but hey! where is the rinse button?? In the end, i re-wash with no soap as a rinse. Repeat twice. Lastly spin... wth, i hafta move the clothes from one compartment to the next. Then close the plastic lid and push dial again to spin? How the heck am I supposed to know how long to spin??? Ah, anyhow do la...

5 mins past. 5 dreadful minutes. I prayed hard that my clothes were not shredded by the dumb thing. 4 mins.... 3..... 2..... 1..... Yay!! done! Clothes in one piece! yes! I am a genius!! Hahahahahahahhaha, with this machine, I can do world domination!!!

And there goes my taste of old fashion 1970's...